I know, I know. Its been far too long.
I feel that sometimes I seem to be forcing myself to get things done. Initially it starts outs as a project for which I need a daily time so that I don’t lose touch. For example, budgeting and keeping a track on my expenses. Its not worked out at all. Its all for myself, but it never works. That is why I don’t like Goodreads challenges. It just makes me feel like I am reading in order to complete the challenge and not for myself. I hate forcing myself to do things. I love to read, but not under a heavy compulsion. That being said, I still want to be able to read as much as I want to. I am just a terribly confused soul.
However, I did not force myself to edit a record. I did it on my own. And it came out fuckin well. I am absolutely done with that record. The best part is that, it felt zen.Just like reading your favorite book. Many people like studying for the various weird aspects. I like it for the calm. It feels zen. I don’t study for marks, since marks are not synonymous to my name. Sometimes, it may come across as weird, studying, concentrating, not bothering about the outcome, is meditative. Maybe that is what is called as learning. Sadly, this is not being propagated throughout our years of schooling. Miserable.
I kind of am getting over my crush. Also, listening to Scarlet by Marissa Myer(book 2 to the Lunar Chronicles, such an amazing book. Also, CARSWELL THORNE IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL.) has made me feel quite lonely. My brother got married to the girl he loves and my sister is going to get married to the guy she loves. My other brother is gonna fall in love and get married. But, it feels different in my case. I can never imagine myself getting married. I always imagine that I will have this amazing love story. Just like the books, the poetry(blame Shakespeare) and the songs. I want the commitment and the understanding just like one of my posts named Return Policy. However, my gut tells me that I will be the cool and single aunt of the family. That I will be alone. Probably, no definitely lonely. I have never had a guy fall for me. Or come and tell me that he likes me. I have made the first move in many cases. And, it all ends in vain.
I am told that I either have not met the right person, yet. But how do people find their right ones? Is there some guideline written somewhere? Maybe , I don’t go out much. But if someone likes me, they would come and talk to me first right? I guess I am going through a kind of phase that I don’t wanna bother anyone with anymore. Trust me, it feels terrible. I don’t want sympathy from anyone. I just wanted to express these thoughts. Out in the cyber space.
Lastly, the decision about my future has not wavered, one bit. And I am gonna do anything to reach there. Its a little scary, as you see this is my last month of undergrad. After that, I am all alone. Getting my shit done. Without any complaints. I just need to focus on what I have to do and what has to be done for that. It just needs to remain that way.
With that, this rant or exposing of sorts is done. I am not so miserable all the time. I just had these thoughts building up in my head. I will be back to my sarcastic self, soon enough.
Happy March. And stay cool. Cause the last thing you want is for the sun to get under your skin. Stay hydrated.