If you are expecting fun and sarcasm, don’t read this.
This is a heck a lot more emotional and contemplative (and potentially boring). You might hate me, or pity me at the end of it.
There are several times in my life where I ask myself this question. Is it okay to…..? The blanks are filled with myriad words. I can never seem to understand why do I ask this question more often than not. Then other questions come into my mind. Is it because I am at fault? Is it because I meet such people? Is it because I make pathetic decisions? Is it because I think too much? It hurts sometimes. When something (not bad exactly) happens or when I feel lonely, my mind seems to present such questions. Now, I shall tell you why I am thinking like this.
So I happen to tell a friend of mine that I find an insecurity of his annoying (very very bad move),months ago, during an honesty session my friends and I were having. But I did not intend to hurt him. Mind you, this guy is one of my closest friends. I also should have remembered that he is not the kind of person who shows out his emotions much. Even my super-sensitive-to-vibes-inner-self did not notice that. He was hurt by what I said(who wouldn’t be) and he told his partner about this. Right after exams got over, I cam home in the happiness that I could just chill and watch Riverdale, by then I take my phone to see a message from her. She body shamed me in response to what I told the friend. Who would not be shocked! I immediately apologized, profusely to my friend, who I’d never meant to hurt. But nobody gets away with body shaming. I did tell the partner that there are better ways of communicating it, rather than body shaming. Her reply with something that did not have any logic. She wanted to make me feel the way that he did, cause (quoting her) “we just say we know how a person feels, but we need to know how they felt, hence I did that” and her intent was not to body shame me. The words “Cause fuck Logic” were going on in my head. I hate being body shamed.And I did not believe a fuckin word she said. I could not toll her down because she was my closest friends’ partner. Cause God knows when he would later come and body shame or slut shame me!
I was also wondering why did the partner bring it up suddenly. She had apparently been harboring it against me, and if she had told me when it actually happened, it would have messed things up between my friend and I. After telling it to me right now, I don’t even want to talk to him. What I got to know from this is that he loves her, and he will always be by her side no matter how wrong she is or what sort of shit she gives to people. Its not for me to tell him how to do things. AND I WONT. But, I thought this guy was my friend. The loss of a friend is really immense.
This situation got me thinking about why I always lose friends. Every time I fight for myself, I lose friends. It kind of makes me a loner. I am vociferous, open minded and I speak whats on my mind without the intention to hurt anyone. And then Karma bites me in the butt like this. Why am I always the one feeling guilt? Cause this was my fault. Sometimes I wish I could just fade into the background and not be a bother to anyone. I did learn one thing from this, to be a bit more careful when I am talking to a person (losing all the liberty I had).
These situations always get me in a pathetic mood. I barely go out. I have awkward situations with people that never make me want to talk to them (out of way too much embarrassment). My overthinking just augments it. Is it okay to be alone? Is it okay to be away from people all the time? Is it okay to just……? (no point in completing that). My mother’s sour moods is also of no help. I need a change of place. I need to live alone and go out and meet other people. I do happen to have a lot of restrictions being the only child.(no wonder I am awkward). And I also happen to be going through an intense midlife crisis(I am just 21)
I always wonder if I should change myself. I came a long way to be the person I am now, and when I am finally beginning to love myself, shit like this happens. Here is the reason why I have a wet pillow before I go to sleep. And we are back to square one. Is it okay to be me?
I know this is a very boring one. But if you have reached all the way till here, I promise I shall put up funnier ones next time. I swear I am not this depressed all the time.
With that being said, I hope you guys I have a nice day and your coffees or teas are strong to tide you through it.